| R.I.P. TOM FUSS - November 3rd, 2006<3 |
[07 Nov 2006|11:36pm] |
Tom killed himself. I can't believe it. I didn't cry when I found out 4 days after it happened... but my heart skipped a few a lot of beats. I'm not surprised, because he was such a terrible mess and didn't WANT to fix his life... but yet I'm still shocked.
I wrote this for... actually, to him.
Since I can't be at the funeral tommorrow, I asked another camp friend who has known him for years who went up there (Boston) for the funeral to print this out and to either read this for me or give it to his parents (even though I don't know them)....
Dear Tom,
I don't make friends easily. I have fun at camps, but I usually keep the memories and never go back. This past summer at MTC, was the same in a way. I made friends; people that I could hang out with. I cared for them, but I don’t think that they cared about me as much back…. at least that’s what I thought. But today [the day that I found out that you had died; which unfortunately was 4 days later], I realized that you were not just somebody I hung out with and chatted with… but you were one of my true friends. I wish so much that I had realized this while we were still at camp, because for the second half of camp, we kind of stopped talking to each other for a while. I was actually kind of mad at you [and you know why]. But after camp ended, we talked on the phone for two hours and you explained it all to me. I was no longer mad at you, but I was actually mad at myself for being mad at you and not speaking to you as much at camp. So after that, we talked almost everyday during August. That month I went about $70 over my cell phone bill just from texting you from aim on my phone. My mom was so pissed at me, but I didn't care, because we had had some pretty funny convorsations on there, and when I was down, you cheered me up! You also understood how I felt. But as fall approached, I became very busy with school and marching band, and I’m sure you did too, being a senior in high school. I stopped talking to you and other camp friends as much. But one day in October, it hit me that I had done what people normally do to me… I “ditched” you as I would say. I knew that you were going through some rough, rough times and needed as many friends for support as possible (not that you don’t have loads of caring friends!), so I IMed you. As usual, you didn’t seem to be doing to well, and it makes me extremely unhappy when my friends are unhappy, and you know that very well. You told me that you had been sent to some mental hospital for a night, but you talked your way out of it. In a way I wished that you had stayed there. I know you wouldn’t have been happy there, and you didn’t want to be there, but just maybe they could have helped you with your problems in the long run… but by the sounds of it, you would never even consider it. After that, I talked to you online one or two times more before the last time. I considered calling you, but every time I was going to I either forgot, or something else came up. The last time I remember talking to you was sometime early last week… just days before you died. I realized how much I missed you. I IMed you saying, “Next weekend I’ve got championships, the last big competition for my marching band in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I know it’s far away, but you have a car, and it would be amazing if you could come and watch us. It would be great to see you again!” You replied back saying that your parents wouldn’t let you do road trips, but I begged you to ask them anyway. I don’t know if you ever did, because I never got a chance to ask you…
It’s so strange that I talked to you just a few days ago, and now you’re gone. I wish that I had called you like I told myself I would. I haven’t heard your voice in months, and never will again. I just wish I could go back in time and be a better friend to you, to have called you more to try to cheer you up, to have written you a silly letter, to have seen you one last time and given you one last hug, and to be there for you today; but mostly, I wish I could tell you that I love you… where ever you are Thomas “The Tank Engine” Fuss, please don’t forget me or any of your other amazing, loving friends. We were always there for you, and we will always be.
-Alexandra “Zalex” Bellink
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| Hello I am selling hummer cars! They are pretty! |
[04 Aug 2006|01:15pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Ridin' Dirtyyyyy! |
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Yesterday got better. Later on Becki came over and we played Pokemon Monopoly, then Zanna came at 10 & we watched Degrassi and TONIGHT THE DEGRASSI EVERY EPISODE EVER MARATHON BEGINS! Horrayyyy! Thank gosh my grandparents have Direct TV! Oh and after, we pranked phone called some people that we know *coughstartingwithtom*. It was hillarious.
Order of voice recordings!
-Becki
-Zanna
-Zal!
OH & THE RIDIN' DIRTY VIDEO HAS MORE THAN 14,300 VIEWS! GO WATCH IT! HA. I LOVE US. =]
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| Winners, losers, Tom and sarcsam! |
[31 Jul 2006|06:11pm] |
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amused |
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music |
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Scattered [Unplugged & Raw]♥Green Day |
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Tom is IMing me about the fucking stupidest things. Does he not get that I am still fucking pissed at him? Of course he said he'd call to talk about all this shit 3, 4 days ago and we missed each other and he 'has been busy' since then. And my mom's friend is here but they've been talking for a while and I don't think we are going out until 7:30... KJCLAKSLHESHOULDCALLME..
EDIT: OKAY AFTER THIS ONE, I'M GONNA STOP POSTING STUPID TOM CONVOS.
( Well I've got some scattered pictures lyin' on my bedroom floor... )
AND GUESS WHO I AM TAKING THE TRAIN UP TO SEE IN BREWSTER TOMMORROW!?
...ASHLEY!!!! :)
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| ASSHOLE. |
[27 Jul 2006|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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TV. |
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I NEED A PLACE TO SAVE THIS CONVO & PRINT IT SO I'M JUST POSTING IT HERE.
( .... )
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| THIS KID IS KILLING ME. |
[27 Jul 2006|07:18pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Move Along♥The All American Rejects |
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Right now I'm so mad I'm starting to think that I don't even want to be his friend.
I mean SELF PITY TO THE EXTREME... worse than me.
And I am the god of self pity, unfortunatly.
( Falling faster... )
I HATE THIS SONG. MORE MEMORIES THAN LIFE IT'S SELF. Ever notice I always seem to be listening to the same songs?
And for the 411, the night of graduation/two nights before I left for camp was the last time I spoke or saw Joanna. Everyone else is getting fed up with her and her low non-existant self esteem too and I don't think Angie or Becki have seen her for a week or two. Good. I don't even miss her anymore.
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| MAINE TEEN CAMP BULLETS<3 |
[25 Jul 2006|02:38pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Away From The Sun♥Three Doors Down |
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I think I need to make a bullet list of stuff from camp like I did last year for Med-O-Lark...
-Abby and her amazing Korean shit.
-First night when we had to 'give in any drugs, ect.' we put in a drawing of pot, a thong and candy
-Live Dance, all the bands were fucking AMAZING.
-White water rafting & Abby going overboard
-Scattered video I made
-Aaron, not my boyfriend, my GIRLFRIEND! =D
-Cottage waking us up the second to last day at 6:30 AM with amps, drums, pots, guitars
-The horrible 6th period band playing the Blitzkrieg Bop
-My favorite Mexican, Sofia
-Oliver & his crazy clown costume & bear hat
-Mel, my counsolor who was English and I thought she was Australian
-BLAZE! BLAZE BLAZE BLAZE! <-- another one of my amazing counsolors
-Guitar class;; our chords game, Fed-Ex Ground & playing Wonderwall
-Becc [Australian counsolor] is brainwashed to like Veggiemite, as the rest of her country is.
-Rain rain, go away, mister rain you cannot stay, please listen carefully, I wanna go outside & play frisbee.
-Esst & her giant boobs and boyfriend, the Zoloft rock.
-Random girl passing out on the 4th of July.
-Freeport & the giant couch in the Horny Toad & free snow cones...
...with Tom
-Washtay (spelling?)
-A-M! A-M-H! A-M-H-E-R-S-T! AMHERST KICKS ASS!
-AMHERSTTTTT!!!
-Death trap dungeon night. CABIN BONDING TO THE MAX =]]
-Amherst 2006, first place at the MTC Awards, Like A Virgin/Hollywood/Missy Elliot/Madonna/Brittany Spears/Christina Aguilera
...fuck yes we beat Cottage!
-Tess & Allison. AKWARD!
-HAND CHECK!
-Traffic Circle<3
and last but not least...
the camp-wide joke...
THAT'S SO ATTITASH!!
Psh. Nobody understood any of this shit probably x3
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| LONG ENTRY. FUCK THAT BOY... |
[25 Jul 2006|02:19am] |
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mood |
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music |
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KICK ME♥BASEMENT BAND |
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You know it's funny... I'm watching & listening to 'Alison', the clip of Billie Joe & Elvis Costello playing at the Decades Rock Live, and when I first heard Billie Joe's voice, it seemed so.... unfamilar. And it's funny because a little over a month ago, Green Day was all I heard and was so used to them, yet I want to broaden my musical horizons (if that made no sense, ignore me). Well, I think that over the past month from camp, I have. But oy vey, do I miss it. This is so fucking Attitash being home. But anyway!
( I ATE RASPBERRIES OFF OF A BUSH YESTERDAY!! =] )
I miss Tom. Guhh.
...Okay before I bother you all, here's a cut.
( Me & my Tom ramblings )
Hah. We had a funny convo online (when I was on my phone aim) last night...
TOM: hey alex
ZAL: hey tom
ZAL: haha you're real name is thomas!
TOM: damn straight. thomas the tank engine.
ZAL: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT! i loved that show when i was little!
TOM: haha, ME TOO! good times.
ZAL: I also had thomas the tank engine sheets and comforters, so technically i slept with him!
TOM: same!
TOM: oh man, good times.
hah. then i was saying that we were in this crazy town and he goes 'sketchy or cool?' haha. i love that kid...
ugh. there i go again. i am being lazyyyyy with my capitalizing-neat-ocdish fetish tonight aren't i... think it's time to sleep damnnit =/
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| CAMP<3 |
[22 Jul 2006|01:40am] |
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Oh my goodness. So camp was pretty much amazingg. It feels so strange to be home. I miss camp so much. Everybody there hooked up, made out, went out, we had baby birds in a nest above our cabin and one died and we made a burial, Amherst (my cabin) beat Cottage (the oldest guy's cabin that wins everything) at the MTC Awards (which is like a lipsync contest more about the funniness than lip syncing, went white water rafting, went out with this guy named Tom and so much more....
( My summer... romance... kind of? )
Well I'm gonna call it a night
xx && here's a picture of him, looking... patriotic & crazy (as he was that night on the 4th... when we were going out)
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| THIS IS SO ATTITASH. |
[20 Jul 2006|02:28pm] |
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OMGZ. I'M HOME. I MISS MTC.
Real update later...
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| CAMP!!! |
[23 Jun 2006|09:34pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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I Saw It On Your Keyboard♥Hellogoodbye |
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AHHH GUYS I'M LEAVING TOMMORROW FOR A MONTH AT CAMP! Well actually, me & my mom are driving up to Portland, Maine, staying Saturday night, and then driving to the camp about an hour away. YOU ALL HAD BETTER WRITE TO ME!!
Zalex Bellink
Maine Teen Camp
481 Brownfield Road
Porter, Maine
04068
USA
OR
EMAIL ME!
alexandra.bellink@mtccamper.com
[but don't start writing or emailing until monday!]
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| SPIDERMAN 3 FILMING. HOLY FUCK. |
[14 Jun 2006|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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sad, confused, everything... |
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Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year♥Fall Out Boy |
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Has nobody missed me or noticed that I was gone for five days or something? Okay whatever. We ended up going to film Spiderman 3 again on Tuesday. Our finals [math & Italian for me] are rescheduled for Monday. THANK GODS. SLEEP. I was going to try to write about this, but A LOT HAPPENED. Good & bad. I think this should be something that I just remember by thought and pictures and not by typing up every little detail on livejournal. So I will keep it short and talk about the important part of the last day:
When we were done filming the last day (yesterday), we handed in our uniforms and got into an ark and played our field show for the extras and crew still there (for the last time... FOR REAL NOW). I sat it out lying there on my blanket near them fucking sobbing. All that was going through my mind was how I love and hate this band, how I don't deserve to be in it. Also some other stuff happened but I don't want to talk about it. At the end our assistant band director Micelli started talking, but I wasn't really listening. He said that HE IS LEAVING TO TEACH FULL TIME AT THE ELEMENTRY SCHOOLS. And it's funny because while Vitti (who is much older than 24 year old? Mr. Micelli) has been there forever, Micelli's only been there for a few years and is supposed to become the main band director when Vitti leaves in a few years (THANK GODS THAT IS AFTER WE GRADUATE). Yeah well I didn't hear him say that since I wasn't in the ark playing, so when I asked why everyone else was crying (because of the end of filming, the seniors who are leaving, Micelli leaving, ect.), and found out, I REALLY broke down because I was one of the people who actually liked Micelli [most of the time]. I always bothered the shit out of him, but it was hillarious. Everyone was always like OH ZALEX LIKES MR. MICELLI. HAHAHA. It's just fun to bother him and be random and I don't know. And once before a band competition, he wore this blue polo from American Eagle while I was wearing an extremely similar one from Aeropastle. Everyone was like 'ZALEX IS WEARING THE SAME SHIRT AS MICELLI!!!'. I never saw him wear it again until this weekend.
PHOTOBUCKET FOR JUST SPIDERMAN 3 PICSZ♥
[[ PASSWERD = pchsband ]]
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[08 Apr 2006|11:35am] |
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Byeeee. I'm leaving in a half hour for Sanibel Island for a week. I will miss youz all lyke whoaaaaa♥
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| 44. ONE MORE UPDATE [I hope...] |
[30 Mar 2006|03:52pm] |
Zanna updated her lj.
She said she posted this on grouphug.com...
"i hate my body and i constantly think about my weight. people tell me i'm not fat but i think they're just saying it to make me feel better. sometimes i wish i were anorexic even though i know it's bad for you. i'm also afraid that no guy will ever like me becuase of my weight and that i will be alone forever. I hate our society and how it puts such pressure on people to be gorgeous and thin."
It's fucking ridiculous. She talks about pressure on people & how she hates it but fuck zanna... you're so fucking skinny. Just because you're what, 5'11"? & think that you have fat legs (which you don't, everyone has that, just some a little more than others), DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE FAT. I'm not satisfied with my body either. I can't wear a fucking tight shirt without wearing a sweatshirt because I feel so self concious because of my big stomach that is fucking bigger than my chest, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT I'M FAT & DON'T THINK I NEED TO A DIET AND NEITHER DO YOU.
Remember how we talked yesterday about how with Liv you feel like you can't really tell the truth, but with people like me, Angie, Joanna we tell each other if we think something looks bad or whatever? Well if you were fat I'd tell you- I will always tell you the truth. And the truth is YOU ARE NOT FAT OR ANYWHERE NEAR FAT AND EVEN PEOPLE WHO YOU'RE NOT THAT CLOSE WITH THAT I TALK TO A LITTLE MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SO PLEASE.. stop. I love you. . . but it seems that I love people more than they love me, it seems that the people I love just don't seem to show it. Your my best friend in the whole world, but I feel like as close as we are, you don't love me like I love you. You mean so much to me zanna. Besides Green Day, at this point in my life, NOTHING, can make me truely happy besides you.
Zanna.. please please read this...
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| 31. Today sucked. |
[15 Mar 2006|05:38pm] |
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mood |
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Eminem♥Sing For The Moment |
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What I said up there... it sucked. Everything is just fucked up. Joanna is such a bitch.
This morning at 8:15 I still am sitting at the kitchen table calling zanna and just leave [very late] without her. I get there late and was just ranting to Raul about it & Joanna overhears and later when I'm walking to 3rd period English with her Joanna comes up and is like "oh what happened to I HATE ANNA". WTF? I mean when your mad you say things like that but you get over it. UGH. Then before lunch we were yelling at each other in the hall by the lockers and a teacher was like "SHHH GO TO LUNCH". It just doesn't work either way- her & me not being friends or us being friends. And last night I was looking at the letters her & Anna wrote meh at camp.. we were like sisters. Now we can't get along for more than a day. And now instead of going with Joanna, Anna, Angie to Angie's for lunch, I sit alone or with people who don't care about me really because I'm always fighting with somebody now. At the moment- my only real friends I think are Becki & Anna.. I just dont know what the fuck to do. It's like 8th grade all over again.. yeah and I remember why I was obsessed with Eminem.
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and
hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our
songs and we can...
( Look at us. For the first time I felt like the happiest girl alive. What's gonna happen this summer.. )
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| 17. ZALEX & ZANNA write a novel about Tre. Part 1. |
[01 Mar 2006|05:54pm] |
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mood |
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hyperrrrr !! |
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music |
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The Rocket Summer is totally stuck in my head. |
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So holy shit. Zanna comes upstairs and we're talking and she starts talking about this idea of hers that was about Tre and what he'd do if Green Day broke up. OMFGZZ I was just like "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WRITE IT DOWN. WE'RE MAKIN' A NOVEL." So she had to leave but here's the beginning of it (she typed it & she types really "wEird".) Oh and just as she was leaving MY COUSIN JEN WHO I HAVEN'T TALKED TO SINCE MAY CALLED. I told her about my Tre/Green Day obsession & she said she was "proud that Tre is my man of choice!" LMAO ♥ anyway. story time..
OKay. So zale told me 2 write this. so what if one day in the future GreenDay breaks up for a while and Tre REALLY needs money so he decides to be a stripper becuase his good friend Claudia (i didn't know that was his x wife??) owns a stripping mall (??) so he decides to go work there. He told Claudia that he wouldn't like to strip in a club but maybe in someone's home like at a bachelor party or something (he always liked those cardboard cakes and the regular ones too). So she said "I have the perfect thing for you". (zalex said that he grew 7 testacles). Someone had just called her from a little town called PoCho, begging for a stripper in fireman's outfit in an extra large cardboard cake (it was march 27). SHe thought this would be perfect for Tre and Tre thought it wouldn't be too bad either. So at 6 the next day he would go to pocho and have some fun. He decided he would leave the night before which was good because he got extremely lost and landed in Maine and thought it was Belize. Thankfully he had just enough time to get to pocho which was actually in New york. As he was looking for Wesley Ave, he drove by Haines BLvd and saw a really cute cat just sitting there in a driveway. So he got out of the car and ran toward it and it ran so he followed it. In the yard he saw this girl in the back door with bigggg boobs...
...To be continued.
*NOTE:
-Some of it makes no sense whatsoever but is just really funny,
-Big boobed girl refers to our friend
-My birthday is March 28th
-I told Zanna to get me Tre Cool for my birthday, but she said it was immposible because she isnt rich.
-Therefore, she was desparate for a stripper (for my bday gift)
-Zanna asked where Belize was and I went to get a map and accidently got out a map of Maine
-We live in an apartment building on Wesley ave. in Port Chester/Poor Chester/Pocho.
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| 06. OUR SOCIETY TODAY. |
[19 Feb 2006|10:20am] |
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mood |
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music |
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tv. |
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I just saw The Constant Gardner. After I flipped open Teen People and there is an article about “star’s and teen’s scary stories on eating disorders” and “DO STARS AFFECT YOUR BODY IMAGE!?”, while pretty much 2/3 the fucking magazine is filled with ads with pretty model girls who are the ones most likely responsible for these poor girls in the stories. I SERIOUSLY THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR SOCIETY TODAY... no, actually I know that there is SOMETHING wrong... it's not something- it's A LOT.
It makes me be ashamed to be part of this horrible generation...
I just don't know what to say.
No you know what I can say...
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dominatedcheese's journal
